When Dreams Slap You In The Face

I am going to go back a little. Not to long ago I was talking to a friend about the many dead end relationships that I have been in over the years, and how I had come to realize that they were all my doing. At some point in my life tired of being hurt by relationships I put a wall up around my heart. Over time that wall came to resemble that one in the Secret Garden, totally covered in ivy, blackberry bushes, and things that if not pruned and taken care of would take over everything. And they had taken over my once protective wall. But not only was my wall being taken over but my choice in men had also changed. Instead of looking for that good guy that I truly wanted to be with, that COULD hurt me. I started being attracted to men that were unavailable. Now wait don't jump to conclusions, not unavailable as in they were dating someone else. But unavailable as in, still in love with another girl, emotionally, someone who I had liked forever but I knew wasn't ever going to amount to anything, maturity levels. Those kinds of things, things that i knew going in to some form of relationship. But Over and over again I was falling for that type of guy. Because deep down I knew that about these men and then I would be the only one hurting myself. I was going in to whatever knowing that he was unavailable, they couldn't hurt me I would probably end up getting hurt, but not by him, by me.

Over all I had given up, mean time my friends were in good healthy relationships, getting married, having babies. All of that Killing me more then any of them would ever know. Not because I wasn't happy for them because I truly was happy for them. But I knew the lives they were enjoying was the life I wanted more then anything, I wanted the good relationship, I wanted the wedding and the kids. But had all but given up on that dream. That dream was NEVER going to happen for me.

Then out of NO where that dream smacked me in the face. Someone who I had known for a while now but hadn't really thought of in anyway other then a friend. Because I liked his friend (yet another unavailable guy). Then I went to Cali for 2 weeks and when I came back I was trying to get a hold of his friend (who was hardly ever around), I ended up talking to him... (Carson his name is Carson and he is someone who was very available, hadn't had a girlfriend in 2 years available). Then we all were watching a movie one night during the week and had talked about going out that weekend. For the next 2 days I was thinking about Carson, not his friend, hoping that we would go out that weekend but I didn't want his friend to go, I just wanted to spend time with Carson getting to know him better, we had been friends for a while know but I didn't know that much about him. Then I was driving home from work that Friday night and Carson called. He said something to the effect of he had just dropped his friend off at work but still wanted to hangout if I wanted to. I was super excited. That was the middle of November and we have been almost inseparable. With the exception of maybe Thanksgiving, I don't think there has been a day go by that I haven't seen this amazing Man. We are good, I finally have that healthy relationship that I have been wanting for so long. My family loves him, and for those of you that know my family you know that is next to a miracle. And for those of you who don't already know we are having a baby, and we couldn't be more excited.

Just to answer some FAQ
Q: ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED??
A:We are not going to get married until after the baby is born. I don't believe in shotgun weddings (just because I am knocked up doesn't mean that I need a piece of paper and a pair of rings to be a parent), and Carson doesn't want to add that stress to my pregnancy. He would prefer to have a healthy pregnancy then a stressful one.

Q: ARE YOU GOING TO LIVE TOGETHER?
A: For now we are staying where we are. we are looking at some different places, but we aren't moving in together until about June, That way we have a place and are settled before the baby gets here.
Q: ARE YOU FINDING OUT THE SEX OF THE BABY?
A: We have decided to take all the fun out of it for our friends... We are NOT going to find out the sex of the baby. I believe that there are few things in life that are true surprises and this is one thing to can be a true surprise if you want it to be. So we are waiting to find out the old fashioned way... When it gets here. Also we are not going to tell what we like in names. At the moment we do have names decided on for either a boy or girl and we aren't telling. I went to the doctors for the first time Friday Jan 25 and heard the heartbeat. The most beautiful sound I think I have ever heard. They said all sounds well but they probably won't do an ultra sound for about 2 months. We are really excited. And like I said my dream came back and smacked me in the face out of the clear blue, there are things that i am a little worried about but nothing that is huge, so over all I am happy and in love with life.


Julie said...
Yea! I'm glad you have a blog! And I'm glad that you are so happy. Keep blogging and keep me posted on how the pregnancy is going and all the new adventures it will put you through! I love you girl.
Wednesday, 30 January, 2008

Dani said...
Yay....I am so excited for you. I am glad that you are so happy...finally. Keep me updated on the little one.
Monday, 25 February, 2008